Category Archives: Opinion / Editorial (Op Ed)

Overheard at the 2022 AASV Annual Meeting, a gathering of hundreds of swine veterinarians: “Hey, you ever bled a pig?”

T’was the night before auction, when over the net All the members were bidding, even the vet; Two shotguns were propped by the chimney with care, In hopes that a pheasant hunt soon would be there. The children were nestled snug under their quilt;Beneath a print of Steel Cow’s latest gilt.With ma cooking bacon and Harker fruits about,We’d just started grilling Euro Nymphing-caught trout.When out of the Bose there arose such a clatter, Talladega wreck, all the cars had to scatter. Away to the cupboard I flew like a flash, To pour a drink from my Irish whiskey stash. I tripped over the pig sculptures standing so near Knocking both of the Sport Buds out of my ear. Reaching out for the Christmas tree to break my fall, I caused 2 pig ornaments to bounce off the wall. Watching the Packers causes oh so much tension Some folks insist I may need an Intervention. So, I climbed on the Peloton later that night Passing the time studying courses from FrontSight. I think to myself, as I down toffee by Nolan, “It’s important to bid so the Foundation keeps rollin’.”

The following story was shared with me by Sherrie Webb. It recounts a recent exchange between her 4-year-old son, Bennett, and his dad, Patrick, during a brief stop on their way to daycare. In Caseys, picking out a donut B: I want that one with sprinkles. P: You don’t like cake donuts. B: I’ll take that one with sprinkles. P: That’s a cake donut. B: I’ll try it. P: Ok.Back in the carB: Mmmm, this cake donut is good!P: So, you’re making a liar out of me?A little laterB: Dad?P: What?B: I don’t like it.P: Ha!B: I know I don’t like cake donuts, but my body makes me get them cuz I just love cake!Harry Snelson

AASV member, Dr. John Hicks, offered to share the following story. “Today a little old lady had been cleaning out her late husband’s “vet supplies.” She brought them to the clinic to see if we could “make some good use out of the medicines.” Included in the ice cream bucket, was: a bottle of iron (expired from 1993), a 100 ml bottle of clear liquid (with absolutely no label), and a 25 dose bottle of Norden PRV MLV vaccine!” I wonder how many of you might have a similar story if you looked in your basement/attic/storage room? Any Hog Cholera Serum out there? Don’t tell me if there is.

I broke a tooth. I realize, in and of itself, that’s not funny or worthy of a Doc Tales. But, it led to the following experience which I feel compelled to get off my chest. The broken tooth resulted in one of my absolute favorite pastimes – multiple trips to the dentist! Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a raving anti-dentite. I kind of like my dentist. In a normal social setting, I think he’d actually be a fun guy. No, it’s the whole sadistic profession that bothers me to my core. From the very first interaction where they take your blood pressure in the lobby and show no alarm whatsoever when it’s 180/90! “Come on back. Take the third room on the right. No, the other right.” Then, they lay you back in the inverted throne of torture and commence to fill your mouth with all sorts of comfort. First, there’s the three cotton balls stuffed in there to dry everything out. Then they flood your oral cavity with a super soaker and what can only be described as a vacuum hose with the sucking power of my mom’s 1938 Electrolux Model XXX (look it up, it’s real). “Are you comfortable?”, he asks. My muffled response is, “Of course. Who doesn’t enjoy a good waterboarding at 8:00 in the morning?” He doesn’t laugh. He either has no sense of humor or can’t understand a word I’m saying. Next, it’s the Novocain. “You’ll feel a little pinch,” he says as he drives what appears to be one of those 3-inch needles we used to use to bleed hogs up through my cheek and directly into my right eyeball. At least that’s what it felt like. “Now, just lie there while that numbs you up and I’ll be right back,” he says. The 13-year-old hygienist is trying to be nice and hands me a bottle of water even though I declined the offer (she probably doesn’t understand dental patient gibberish). Have you ever tried to drink water from a bottle while inverted with 3 cotton balls in your half-numb mouth? I did because I’m Southern and we were taught to be polite. Water ran up my nose and out onto the floor. The hygienist didn’t seem surprised at all. She got a paper towel and handed me a straw. Then Dr. Doom returns. Surprisingly, he’s not wearing all leather and carrying whips and chains. Instead, he’s in a deceptively calming yellow gown covered in rainbows and unicorns. He sits down next to me and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. At least I thought it was “comforting.” I soon decided it was only to hold me down. “Let’s see what we have here,” he says. You know what happens next. Saying, “let me know if this hurts,” he commences to grind my tooth with what can only be described as the remnants of a grinding stone from a defunct feed mill located outside of Turkey, NC. After what seems like an hour of that, he shuts off the grinder and fires up the drill. The bit on this thing looks like it just came off an oil rig in east Texas. He stops just long enough to put safety glasses on me to protect my eyes in case “any large chunks fly out.” Anyway, three hours later I walked out of there with a new tooth and $1200 poorer. I’m sure it will all be worth it once I’m able to hold food down and actually find the will to smile.

With Easter coming up this weekend, I thought I’d pass along some seasonal observations: Where do Easter eggs come from? An eggplant, of course. Who invented Easter egg hunts? Parents compelled to prove that a child can find things when they want to. Parents’ message to young children: 364 days of the year: Do NOT eat anything you find on the ground. Easter: Go outside and find 3-day old eggs hidden in the yard where the dog pees and search in the dirt for candy a strange giant bunny left for you!

Hey kids. I’ve missed you the last couple of weeks but nothing really “Doc Tales worthy” came my way until yesterday. I was driving home from the office in Perry and noticed a squirrel sitting in the snow eating a nut by the side of the road (as depicted in this photo https://photos.app.goo.gl/zaupdmaXDJiT73Pf8). The thought that crossed my mind was, if you’ve evolved a big bushy tail, why wouldn’t you tuck that under your butt before you sit down in a pile of snow?

I snapped this picture (https://photos.app.goo.gl/N7whfEEEeVdomMEu6) during a recent ski trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It reinforces my belief that, when you find yourself in a situation that is totally out of your control and that would make most big dogs cower with shame, you hold your head high and prance like you own it!

I noticed that 2020 will be the 55th anniversary of The Sound of Music. So, in honor of that classic I offer my version of the iconic song from that movie My Favorite Things. My Favorite Things Raindrops on pheasants And houseboats on Lac Seul Bright bourbon kettles and old timey manuals Gridiron packages, a Bose that sings These are a few of my favorite things Crocheted pig doilies and crisp Harker apples Doorbells bring bacon And wine tours not Snapples Walleye that swim around freshwater springs These are a few of my favorite things Guys in blue floaties with big plastic flippers Fans of the Bulls are basketball trippers Fall-color posters and canvas pig paintings These are a few of my favorite things When the pig dies When the vet comes When I’m feeling sad My necropsy tools are my favorite things And then I don’t feel so bad Remember to support the AASV Foundation auction on Monday night during the AASV Annual meeting in Atlanta, GA!

As I write this, I’m seated on a flight from Chicago to Ft. Myers, Florida in early December. The thing that struck me as I boarded was the overwhelming preponderance of old people on this flight. Now granted, I’m no spring chicken myself. I’ve noticed there are very few age categories below mine on survey forms anymore, but these folks fell into that category at the very bottom of the list. The one that starts with a really high number followed by a plus sign. I think some of these folks were traveling to Florida for a reunion of participants in Ponce de Leon’s original journey to find the Fountain of Youth. Back when the Everglades was just a damp spot. I’ve never been on a flight before where they made you complete a Do Not Resuscitate form before taking your seat. When we deplaned, the elderly gentleman in front of me stopped and asked the pilot (who was no whipper snapper himself), “Where did you learn to fly?” To which the pilot responded, “During the war.” The old guy glanced back up at him and said, “Oh yeah, the first or second?” Now I’m not saying that the airline catered to this specific clientele, but they served a snack halfway through the flight that consisted of Jell-O and what appeared to be either prune juice or Geritol. After taking my seat, I glanced up at the overhead panel housing the flight attendant call button. There, next to the button, was a sign saying, “Brought to you by Life Alert.” The airline had removed all the seatback monitors and replaced them with portable oxygen generators and defibrillators. Ok, I admit, I may be taking some minor liberties with the facts in the reporting of this event, but I do so to illustrate a point – a lot of old people fly to Florida in December!